I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize