come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
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I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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