It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
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It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
We had sex on a dog bed..
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You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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