she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
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We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
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who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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