im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
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She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
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That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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