Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
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Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
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I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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