just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
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I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
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Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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