The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
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It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
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They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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