yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
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My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
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Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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