u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
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I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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