Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just threw up on my dentist
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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