either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize