I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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