We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
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I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
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just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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