i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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