when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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