New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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