at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
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How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
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We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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