Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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