Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
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When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
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I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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