apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
two words...techno handjob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize