We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
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He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
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My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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