Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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