i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
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It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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