Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
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The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
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Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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