Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
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i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
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We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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