im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
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