he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
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I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
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Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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