Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
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That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
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i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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