I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
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Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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