can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
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don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
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I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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