when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
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they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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