How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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