Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
The beer is more important than you right now.
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she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
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Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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