Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
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Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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