it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
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