omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
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I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
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Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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