My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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