I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize