dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
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I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
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I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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