I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize