summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
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she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
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I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
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