Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize