Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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