Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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