I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
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At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
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I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize