"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
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That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
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I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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