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Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
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