I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
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she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
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last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
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