i would punch a child for taco bell
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
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False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
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you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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